ma kaeban meeste peale nüüd (complaint about guys)

I just need to share this. I just can't understand why I have to fall into scenarios like this... the story is as follows.

There is He. He is very nice. He likes to go to random activities, and he likes also cultural stuff, and he calls to Her, and She calls him, and they spend time together, and have a good time. She has met his family, and He has met Her friends. All is cool. Seems to be cool at least.
Then there is Wednesday. He calls. They chat. She says she is going to a dinner on Friday, to celebrate her friends defense. He says he wants to join. Ok. She includes him into the plan.
Friday. He calls at 8. She is on her way out. He says He is going to come, but he will a little bit late. Ok, She says.
It becomes 9. He's not there. The food is being ordered. He's not there. The food is finished. He is not there. She is tired, and confused. She gets home at 11, and calls Him. No answer. She leaves a voicemail a la what happened, call me. He doesn't call. On Friday. He does not call on Saturday. He doesn't call on Sunday.
Sunday night she calls Him, and leaves another voicemail.
No call from Him.
She sends him a textmsg before falling asleep. Asking, whether everything is ok. She adds: I miss you.
On Monday morning there is a textmsg: I miss you too.
Oh, wow, He is alive, She thinks.
Monday night She calls. Nothing. Voicemail.
No call back.
She is slightly upset.
She is confused.
She is mad.
She is also hurt.
On Tuesday She investigates the guys thinking patterns. The consensus says that He is a ... [insert bad word here], and that She is better off without Him. They tell Her to break it off even (like with the straw). That's a joke. Sort of.
In the night She discovered a voicemail from Him. Just 'hi" and saying that He will be in town this weekend and that He will call later.
Wednesday comes around, and She gets used to the idea, that it's time to move on. His loss.
Wednesday night He calls. She doesn't hear it on time, so there' s a voicemail. He sounds sweet, and asks Her to call back.
She does call back. Later. He doesn't pick up.
She sends Her a short txtmsg. She also mentions that She is going to see the ballet Carmen, and wonders whether He'd like to join.
Thursday. No reply.
Thursday night. She calls. Once. No answer. Twice. No answer. Third time - still nothing.
It's His birthday tomorrow. She thinks there is no reason for a gift. Even the call - why bother. She thinks that txt-happy-b-day it will be...

***

Damn it!
What the hell is going on???
Is this 'normal' among guys? and WHY?
Why can't people [read: guys] just talk?
I do not like it! At all!
It annoys me.
And I don't have time for it.

But - maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm expecting something that doesn't exist? Maybe I'm the spoiled one. Maybe I'm the one who is too smothering?
... I don't think I am though!

submitted!!!

Yay!
It's midnight. I just got home from the lab. And my supervisor and I JUST submitted my very first manuscript! To Nature Biotech! So exciting! It has taken me LONG time to fix and improve and fix and proofread this manuscript... And finally it's off my desk. At least for a little while.
Awesome!
I am happy!

... I need to celebrate...

bad day

Days are not sisters, as somebody once said. So true. I have been recently quite ok with everything. I mean my self-esteem has been high, and I have felt like a brave wolf with the greasy breast. I've felt that Im smart and pretty and I could rule the world, just if I would like to.
But that was yesterday.
Today is not this day anymore.
Today I feel unsure about the future. I feel that I'm far from being smart, and I should really keep my low profile, so people wouldn't notice my un-smartness before I get my degree. I feel that looking for a post doc is a crazy idea, because who would take me. But then what should I do?
And I still have to get out from this place.
Also, I feel alone. I could write here a long blurb, but it will sound stupid. I think stupid thoughts. I just have to get over it.

I need to find my armor, and put it on, and keep going with the metallic confidence look. But sometimes it's so hard to be the superwoman. But I guess there's no other choice.

AND - on top of that I literally burnt my bread soup today. I put on the oven (the bread and some water), and turned it on, and went to read something on the computer. Soon I heard weird noises - sort of like when you have a bonfire or sth. And when I went to the kitchen, it was FULL of smoke, and my bread was ALMOST in flames. Yikes.
But - as I was hungry, I added some water to put the heat off, and then still made it into a soup. It tastes like pure coal (süsi), but oh well...

I want tomorrow to come faster. Hopefully it will be better.

still alive

I guess it's time for a few updates.
I don't know what have happened, but I got really busy. Just with the lab work... And - as the result one of my papers is almost ready to be submitted. Hopefully tomorrow:)

The highlight of the last two weeks was going to snowshoeing. Snowshoes are like big boat-like flip flops that you attach to your feet and then you can go and walk on snow. We went at 6 pm, so it was all dark. And it was really cool (after I got used to walking like a duck). It was dark, but snow gave off some light, and the moon was out too. And so walked through a forest. My friend Jenny knew the scenic route, so we took that. We did get a bit lost at some point, so we had to go through the bushes on a very steep hill, next to the lake. But we made it to the cabin, where the oven was on, and it was nice and cozy. We had some wine and cheese and it was AWESOME!

Then Leslie and Andrea and Sujeeve and Mike and I went to the movies to see "Juno". A GREAT movie with an awesome soundtrack (if anyone has it, I would like to borrow it!).

And then I started TAing. I TA the second year biochem lab on Thursdays - from 8.30 to 11.30 and from 1 to 4. And in between I decided to go to the gym. The first class was "all ball" class (during the class you use the exercise ball). It felt great!
So I was encouraged, and went for another class the following Tuesday at 7 am!!! It actually felt good. It was just difficult to get out of bed. and I was expecting very few people, but it was packed! People are crazy. I'm not better of course.
And - I also went again on Thursday for the Ball.
So - in 2008 I have been in the gym THREE times! I am GOOD!

And I have had a few beer nights. And a bunch of late work nights. Nothing too exciting.

Ohh, and Julia came back from China (she was there for 4 month doing research). So yesterday we were catching up. It's so good to have her back. We always have fun together.
Last night we ended up at the house party, and I definitely drank a bit too much... I haven't' done that for a while. After one house party we went to another one. One of my students had invited me over to his place to a keg party. We got there around 11, and all the beer was already gone. But there were lots of people - mostly too young though. We felt like 2 old ladies...
But i was fun nevertheless.

Now it's time to get ready for a new week...

oh, one more thing. We have 2 new people at the lab. One master student and one post doc. And it's great. But in a way I feel territorial, and it's a funny feeling. I think it's just that I like to be the person in charge, and the person who knows and etc. And for some reason I'm concerned that maybe I won't be respected such way anymore. There's no reason to think this way, but the feelings are weird sometimes.

I'm broke and crazy

Ok. I managed to get myself registered! One might think, that what's the big deal. But it was a quite a significant achievement, as the faculty of grad studies had made a little "spelling" mistake. Usually people are given 7 years to complete their PhD. And then they need to ask for a permission. But for me they gave 4. So I had to be done and written up and defended and gone by Dec 31. 2007. Which I was not. And I also couln't register, as I was already "deleted" from the system.
Anyway. I got it fixed, and I am registered for another semester. I can't wait to get out of this crazy house though.
And on this note. Among the other things I registered myself for my PhD research seminar. It will be on April 17. And this is CRAZY! It's crazy, 'cos people usually do it as a last thing before the end. And soon after they submit their thesis and then they disappear. So - i think that the end is near for me too...
I also signed up for my last exam. It's called Comp II (comprehensive exam nomero two), and it involves 3 profs, who all will give you a paper, and you have four weeks to study EVERYTHING about these papers, and then there's an exam, where they will nearly kill you. Slightly scary. But - people do it, so...
It's just another "fence" to jump over...
So yeah - it will be a busy semester... Why am I not excited?

And - since I registered, I also had to pay my tuition. 4700 dollars! Insane. I could buy a car for that. And it's only good until May. Seriously, I need a night job, or something. Or, I could get married. To a knight. Or just wealthy. Anybody?

Oh, and on a separate topic. I have new hairdo. I cut my hair last night (I was bored). So now I have bangs. Short bangs in front. It's quite interesting. People think, it's cute. So I think no real catastrophe:)

Britney Spears is now in Nature?? Wow! Also - how would you like your cocktail topped up with arsenic?

It's the second day of work. And I have been good. I have been reading papers. And i have found some pretty cool things, that I thought I would share.

First: I found a paper talking about Britney Spears from Nature (the high-end science journal). And yes, the same blond pop-singer Britney. I couldn't believe my eyes.
It's by Vince LiCata, titled "When Britney Spears comes to my lab" (Nature 451, 106, 2008)
He's a prof at the Louisiana State University , and he talks how Britney will come to his lab, and how he will teach her, and then how she will love science and change the world, as people would believe in her. Some sort of crazy story. In Nature!!!

Second: I found this cool paper about flies and booze, and how male flies become sex-crazy after consuming lots of alcohol (Heidi Ledford, " Drunken flies get hypersexual". Nature News 3 January 2008).

In the flies, hypersexuality caused by chronic alcohol exposure has the effect of making the males chase anything with wings — other males included.
Here are some quotes from this news:

"As the concentration of ethanol in the body rises, flies begin to become uncoordinated and oblivious to their surroundings: they get tipsy. “They bump into each other. They bump into the walls.” Add more alcohol and the flies become sedated. Add still more and the soused flies die. Remarkably, even the concentrations of ethanol that induce these behaviours are nearly the same in flies and humans, says Heberlein. Flies also develop a tolerance to alcohol, and can develop withdrawal-like symptoms."

"The researchers noted that male flies repeatedly exposed to ethanol vapour became less discriminate in their mate selection. The buzzed flies often courted fellow males, pursuing them around the cage while serenading with a traditional fruitfly courtship song played on vibrating wings. Eventually, the lusty flies devolve into a courting frenzy. “You get a chain of males chasing each other,” says Heberlein, who was not associated with the study but has observed similar behaviour in her own unpublished work. In contrast, alcohol had little effect on mating in female fruitflies, which normally do not court their mates."
"Although the drunken dipterans were more amorous, their rates of successful copulation declined after getting tipsy, the researchers found — a trend that has long been observed in humans."

Interesting, eh?

The third paper was about poison (Philip Hunter, A toxic brew we cannot live without. Micronutrients give insights into the interplay between geochemistry and evolutionary biology. EMBO reports 9, 1, 15–18 (2008). Apparently, a physician, alchemist and astrologer Paracelsus (1493–1541) once said, "all things are poison and nothing is without poison, only the dose permits something not to be poisonous."

And in this paper they claim, that actually lead, mercury, and even arsenic are used by humans and other organisms. Furthermore, some of these "known to be deadly toxic" compounds are crucial for life. Nice to know.
So now, accept this drink with arsenic in it - they are only trying to look after your health.

i got mail!

Yay! There was a white envelope in my mailbox today! It was a card! With a Santa Clause and Snowmen and good wishes. So sweet! I LOVE cards:) Thank you, Uudu:)

What else did I do to celebrate the first working day at 2008.
Well. First I slept in. I had set my alarm clock for 8, and then by 9.30 I figured out, what is this annoying and peeping thing, and what does it trying to tell me.
Then I had received an e-mail from my supervisor, who "gently" reminded me, that the University is officially opened, and that everybody is at work at Roger Guindon (my building). So I made my way to work (pretending I never saw the e-mail). And guess what - most people were NOT at work. Heh - "everybody is at work" - yeah, right. Maybe somebody needs glasses.
I did have to go anyway, to run ONE more control for my draft. I can't wait to send it off.

I decided to leave around 2.
Because I had a "date". Ok, not really. One of my (favourite) ex students had invited me for high tea at the Château Laurier (mind you, this is the fanciest hotel in town).
Wow - it was amazing!!! They bring you loads of little snacks, and some awesome tea. It was so, so cool, and oh so delicious! Wonderful! Good chats:)
And we were there for 2 and half hours. For tea.


At 5.30 Peter picked me up, and we went to his sisters place, to have dinner with his sister and sisters boyfriend, and dad and dads wife, and Jeremy, and Sarah and her boyfriend.
I was so full from the tea, so I needed to skip the cheese, but I was fine for dinner. There were some super delicious triangles (potatoes, chicken, curry etc in filo pastry). And salad and so on. It was so nice.
And his dad was cool too. So there was no need to be stressed :) Everyone was cool and fun actually. And poor Jeremy was made fun at, as at the New Years eve he slept at 7/11, which is a 24 hour store. He couldn't find any other place to stay.
Oh, and there were 4 dogs as well. So lot's of action in this house.
And I like action.

And now I'm at home. I'm trying to watch the "Kite Runner". I already watched a half the other day, but then they took the movie off the web. So now it's back, and I want to finish it before it vanishes again. It's a great movie. It's about 2 best buddies in Afganistan at 1978, who love kites. And then how their relationship takes a fall. One of them becomes really nasty, so the poor guy has to leave with his dad. And then the Russians move in and the rich dude moves to States. And then I need to watch. But I know that he goes back to help his buddy.